“I’m at a place in my life where I’ve been feeling alone. I have a man whom I adore, but as far as family and friends who are actually present and physically available where I live, I don’t have that I desperately miss my people and it almost feels silly to say that I feel lonely because from my estimation, I have a really beautiful life but there’s something about in person sisterhood… having other women who want to grab coffee or have a movie night or can celebrate, cry, laugh, pray and get together with in REAL LIFE. I want my Peter, James, and John to do life with in this season.”
Dear Feeling Alone,
This may seem odd or even out-of-pocket, but I would be remiss if I give some highly uppity answer covered in a layer of Christian adjectives and adverbs that don’t help much less acknowledge what you feel.
Loneliness is painful. It’s like a wound that never gets a chance to heal because it’s constantly being hit over and over again.
Every day is full of light and harsh reminders that someone is not where they should be. The park. At home. The coffee shop. A noted absence. A lack of presence and the silence is deafening.
With that being said, my Hope Script for you is:
Let Loneliness Lead You
Then Jesus was led by the [Holy] Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After He had gone without food for forty days and forty nights, He became hungry. And the tempter came and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.” But Jesus replied, “It is written and forever remains written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.’” -Matthew 4: 1-4 (AMP)
Common conversations about loneliness that don’t work
There are plenty of scriptures (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 for example) on why we shouldn’t by nature or nurture, be alone, but they don’t fully answer the question, “If it’s not good to be alone, then why am I?”
There is something to be considered when God orchestrated a world full of relationships, mother to daughter, father to son, cousins, aunts, siblings, nephews, friends, coworkers, colleagues, spouses, neighbors, and so on.
Which is why it is truly baffling that loneliness is even a thing. If one can put a thousand to flight and two, ten thousand, then it makes no sense why there isn’t at least one person who can intimately walk with you through life.
Let’s also talk about the fact that people are abundant. It’s not like we live in a post-apocalyptic society where you can shout in an abandoned city and hear nothing but echoes. People are everywhere. Where there are people, there are relationships. Technology has made finding others who like the same things you do even easier and social media has made connecting with like-minded individuals super simple even if they are miles away.
I don’t claim to know God completely. I am still learning, but I do know that the Big Guy is all-knowing, all-powerful, and always present and this is why the loneliness conversation gets awkward, especially among some of my fellow Christian folk who will insert this retort if you even mention that you are lonely.
(You already know what I’m about to write don’t you?)
You’re never alone. God is always with you.
Well, I guess we can pack up everything and end this conversation right there. You’re never alone so there’s no reason for you to feel lonely. Have faith and fix that attitude. Go pray or something😒
The truth is being alone and feeling lonely are two completely different concepts.
You can be in a room completely by yourself and not feel alone. You can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. One is a state of being. The other is an emotion. One is a fact. The other is a feeling.
Having God always with you does not negate loneliness. It can make it even more painful because God sees you suffering from a lack of intimate, reciprocal relationships, so why isn’t He doing something about it? It’s not like you can hug God. You can try but you might end up in a mental institution, which doesn’t help your problem.
How do we stop feeling lonely?
You don’t. You don’t stop feelings. You are human living a human experience with thoughts, desires, and dreams. You process all of this through your emotions. You are allowed to feel lonely. There is no reason to stop it. Feeling your feelings is healthy.
There was a study done on over 400 women by the University of Utrecht, in the Netherlands that concluded that “People who are able to feel and express a wider variety of emotions have lower biomarkers of inflammation, which makes them less susceptible to chronic illnesses such as fibromyalgia, gastrointestinal, cardiovascular, and immune system dysfunction.”
Take a deep breath. Relax your shoulders and repeat after me: It’s ok to feel lonely.
You don’t need to chase this feeling away. You can give yourself all the space you need to experience this emotion. It deserves to be heard. There’s no need to rush around, over-explain, or suppress it. It is healthy to let it run its course.
How to get loneliness to leave you alone
Let me reiterate a few points. We know that we are indeed lonely. It is not a fleeting feeling of a weak, worn-down prayer warrior who accidentally dropped their faith on their way to work. It isn’t a sign that you are ignorant of who God is nor is it a sign that God has forgotten who you are. It is a real emotion that is processing a need for intimate connections that we desperately want a solution for beyond going to jail for giving God air hugs in public.
We also can acknowledge that God is way too big, caring, and smart to give us a world full of people and not give us access to develop an amazing relationship with at least one of them. There must be something larger at work that is allowing us to experience loneliness. With all the people in the world, feeling lonely should be statistically impossible which means that God uniquely orchestrated this situation for you.
There must be something larger at work that is allowing us to experience loneliness.
God is strategically keeping people away from you for many reasons. It’s kind of like your own Red Sea journey, but instead of walls of water, it’s millions of people. One is found in this passage in Matthew 4:
Then Jesus was led by the [Holy] Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit to go into the wilderness with His disciples by himself. This part was meant for him to do alone and was necessary for Him and ultimately for us.
Your loneliness is a result of your amazing relationship with God. And just like this wilderness experience was 40 days and 40 nights, your loneliness has an expiration date. It is a momentary state that you will eventually see the reason for. It may not feel that way, but this time away from people is teaching you something.
Take the time to feel the feelings and walk in it with your head held high. Don’t run away from it. Let Loneliness lead you. It’s a sure sign that God is actively working in your life to bring you into the place you have always dreamt you’d be.
A Prayer for Loneliness:
Lord, silence the mouth of the enemy that using my season of loneliness to destroy me. Help me to see your hand in this moment. I don’t want to be distracted by my desires. I don’t want to harden my heart because of the pain I feel. I want to mature by mastering my emotions. I want to be able to discern your hand in my life instead of drowning in my understanding. I know that your plans are to prosper me. I want to see those plans unfold. Give me the wisdom to seek you in this time of loneliness instead of complaining about it. Give me the strength to walk this part by myself. Give me the faith to believe that you will work everything out for my good and that, in your timing, I will have a life full of beautiful, fulfilling relationships. Amen.
Affirmations:
I can do hard things.
I can sit with difficult emotions and still have the life I desire.
I am not broken because I break down.
I am allowed to feel.
Next Up:
Stay tuned for my next newsletter called 11 Ways to Leverage Your Loneliness. Be sure that you are subscribed so you don’t miss it.
Site Credits:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/body-sense/202203/are-there-health-benefits-feeling-emotions
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Amplified Bible, Copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
Oh I have so many emotions lol...and thoughts swirling inside!
And some of the things I say might sound paradoxical 😂
1. When you ultimately surrender...you understand that there are some paths you need to walk alone. And when you realise that while sitting with the feeling of loneliness... everything becomes better.
2. The world works in paradoxes. God works in paradoxes. That's why even with abundance of people, tech and more...souls are still feeling lonely. As you said, yes it's a feeling...but its become much more in today's age isn't it?
3. The post also brought me back to my own moments of loneliness because all my real life friends are not in the same city as me. So we're all online. I don't have friends to go on coffee dates or restaurants or movies with here. And I have no idea how to make that connection lol.